Let me share some enlightenment I just received from the Holy Spirit with you.
I’ve been REALLY seeking, reaching, and thirsting for the Lord the last 3 years. I’ve always had a relationship with God and I know the Holy Spirit but my walk with Him is on a completely different level. I’m doing my work now. There’s a difference between believing and truly living for the Lord. It’s incredible.
I’ve had some really hard trials within my almost 29 years of life. Each trial, I have either listened to the Spirit or I’ve made decisions out of sin in my life caused by traumas, lies, defeat, abuse, lust, abandonment, fear, anger, and false responsibility; therefore, creating strongholds and chains.
As I go through this walk with Him and clear out the yuck in my soul, I ask Him to reveal one yuck or one “Little Me” that needs to be healed and acknowledged. You can’t heal everything all at once. It’s a process that could take seconds to years and your endurance and faith are necessary. Trust me, I’ve gotten rid of some strongholds in my life and it’s not easy but I’ll dig into all of that in another post.
Tonight he revealed a “Little Me” to me. I have felt an extreme sadness for not being told by my parents that they are proud of me. You know, that “super interested and excited about your life and interests and accomplishments” kind of proud? I want that as being someone’s child. Even though I’m an adult, I’m still someone’s child.
Now, I will say that I am happy with the relationships I have with my father and step-mother. We have come a long way and for that I am so thankful. I understand the relationships dynamics. I don’t have the same expectations I did before as their child and I accepted who they are and how they parent. I love them so much for the people they are and we continue to grow closer and closer.
However, it has been a long time since we’ve been as close as we are and we still aren’t to the point of reaching much deeper than surface-level. I am the type of person who wants to share life experiences and go really deep. They are more private and secret. But that’s okay! That’s them and I love them for being themselves. Also, because of our past relationships with each other, we are all still healing and going through the process of letting our guards down. So I get it. I’m not upset or mad with them but I still have that need as a child to want to be known on a deeper level. It’s a normal feeling.
My mother passed away and now I don’t have her at all. I can’t tell her anything about my life. Nothing. Absolutely nothing. Not my career advances, not about my children, not to call and ask for advice, not to help plan my wedding, not to vent to, and not to be proud of me OR of my children. That really hurts. I can’t even explain the emptiness that it leaves when your parent dies. After losing her, despite our differences and the things she didn’t do as a mother, I realized she always loved to talk to me and loved my children so much. Now, I’m a child without a mother, yet, a mother to four children.
There’s also feelings of distance and not being important enough to want to encourage or get to know. Even more so when you have children that don’t know their grandparents on an intimate level.
You think like, “man, the people who made me don’t even know who I really, really am”. Like yeah, you made me but do you know me? Do you want to know me like that? I want to know you like that! I want to know your trials and triumphs. I want to know about your day and little things that happen in your life.
So as I’m overly expressing my excitement for how I’ve grown and what I’ve learned in the last year to my fiance, sister and soon to be brother-in-law, I realized that I needed and longed for them to give me the recognition and excitement that a parent would for overcoming my obstacles the way I have with the Lord and share in my excitement.
As soon as this was revealed to me, I immediately realized that I am a child who longs for that intimate relationship with their parents but that I don’t have to long for it anymore because I AM A CHILD OF GOD. I have an ALMIGHTY FATHER. He guides me and He knows the desires of my heart! He walks with me and He loves me so much. He shows me when He is proud through His Holy Spirit. I can talk to Him about anything and by being more intimate with Him, I grow into the masterpiece He created me to be. He is the one I need to be focused on making proud. The way He sees me and knows me is what matters. They say we are a reflection of our parents, right? Well, I want to be a reflection of Him. He fills that wound with His Spirit.
So if you’re struggling with the same feelings, please know that you are so interesting to God. Thank your parents for teaching you of Him. Start telling Him that you want to be closer. Read his word and seek His kingdom. His love will overflow onto you and into you. You will never experience any other form of love and instead of longing for the “good job!” “I think you’re great!” “I’m so interested in you!” words from your parents, you’ll long and thirst for Him.
Turn your wounds into wisdom, my brothers and sisters.